


i won't let you go

by noneoftherestofitmatters



Category: Blindspot (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Heavy Angst, Suicidal Thoughts, this may be a trigger so be warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-29 22:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15738480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noneoftherestofitmatters/pseuds/noneoftherestofitmatters
Summary: set after the season 3 finale, patterson has to deal with being betrayed (again) by tashaorpatterson is the only one who can save tasha from herself





	i won't let you go

**Author's Note:**

> hello look who's back from a massive writer's block! so i wrote this one and i have to say... IT'S HEAVY and suicide is a strong topic in it. if this triggers you somehow, please don't read it.
> 
> if you watched POI, you may recognize something in the story and also, let's be friends.  
> the title is from an amazing song by james morrison, 10/10 recommend it.
> 
> thank you giovanna for inspiring me, bruna for hearing me scream about it and calliope for being my beta.
> 
> english is not my first language blablabla.

It’s been 5 days since Tasha was being held at the FBI bureau. 5 days since the team finally captured their former colleague and her new partner, Blake Crawford. The last two months had been hard for the FBI’s task team, their job wasn’t normally easy, but it got even tougher when they found out about Zapata being dirty and about her partnership with Hank Crawford’s daughter. It was a shock for everyone when Zapata was fired and even more of a shock when they realized she was working with Blake. No one expected their friend to be a traitor and yet here they were.

Their relationship before had always been a strong one. Kurt, Patterson, Reade, Jane, and Rich trusted Tasha with their lives and not only figuratively. They’ve been working together for years and more than that, they’ve been friends for years. Of course, each one of them had their own secrets and their own stuff to deal with, but it seemed like their bond and trust in each other were stronger than anything.

But clearly it wasn’t. Now they had their “friend” locked up in a cell like a criminal, and worse, like a traitor. Reade was leading the interrogations with Weller. Jane and Rich were helping as much as they could without actually having to see Tasha. And Patterson… Well, Patterson wasn’t getting anywhere near Tasha or the case whatsoever.

Ever since Tasha left the FBI, Patterson distanced herself from the investigation. She didn’t want to know what Tasha was doing, she didn’t want anything to do with her anymore. So, as a senior agent and chief of the FBI’s lab, she designated Zapata’s case to another agent. Of course, she ended up knowing the major leads, because people talked and unfortunately for her she had ears, but Patterson avoided the details as much as she could. So, 5 days ago when Tasha was brought into custody, Patterson made sure they didn’t see each other.

“Patty Pat,” a voice called her making her look away from the screen of her computer. When Patterson made eye contact with Rich, she arched her eyebrows in annoyance. “What are you doing?” He asked.

“Working,” she answered turning back to her screen and typing furiously.

“Yeah, I can see that but… What are you working on?”

“It’s classified.”

“WHAT? There’s no such thing as classified between friends and we are friends, so tell me.”

Patterson groaned and turned her chair to face the man beside her, “We’re not friends, fuck off.”

“Ohhhh someone’s grumpy these days!” Rich said while raising his hands in a gesture of innocence, “You can be grumpy Patty Pat, but there’s no need to be mean with your buddy, okay? I just wanna start a conversation, give you some company, you know? You’ve been stuck in this lab for two months without actual human interaction. People are starting to fear you’ve become a robot.”

She glared at him and turned her chair back to the computer, but he wasn’t giving up that easily, so he pulled her chair away from the table and made her face him.

“I brought you some go-gurt!” He offered her a red pack while opening one for himself with his teeth, Patterson made no move to grab it, “It’s your favorite flavor and I promise it’s not expired, I checked.”

Patterson groaned and took the yogurt from his hand, “There you go,” Rich said, “That’s my Patty.”

They ate in silence until Reade stormed into the lab, “PATTERSON, we need you. It’s Zapata.”

Patterson and Rich watched him for a moment, he seemed disturbed. His breath was quickened and he was trembling.

“I have nothing to do with her anymore Reade,” Patterson answered coldly.

“She needs you Patterson,” Reade said walking closer to them.

“What’s happening?” Rich asked.

“Zapata needs a friend right NOW.”

“Well, that’s not me anymore,” Patterson answered while moving her chair back to her table, she really needed to get back to work.

“Patterson, please…” Reade said walking towards her and putting his hand on her shoulder, “This is really important.”

“What the hell is happening?” Rich asked again.

Patterson met Reade’s eyes and realized he had a frightened look on his face. He held her gaze for a moment and then looked at the floor, “I don’t know how to say this in any other way, so…” he said, “Tasha managed to get a gun from a stupid guard and now she’s in her cell and it’s bad, Patterson…”

He made a pause and took a deep breath, “She’s going to kill herself and I have a feeling that you’re the only person she’ll listen to. She needs YOU.”

Patterson lost her ground. Everything went black for a second and the only thing she could think of was getting to Tasha as fast as she could. So she ran.

She ran from her lab and through the bureau’s hallways until she was stopped by a guard asking for her ID card. He barely had time to confirm her ID at the prison’s ward entrance before she was running again. She knew where Tasha was being held, of course she did.

When Patterson finally got to the other woman’s cell she stopped suddenly, unable to unlock the door and get in. She looked through the glass wall and saw Tasha pacing with a gun in her hand. Tasha’s back was facing her, but Patterson knew the other woman was crying by the way her body trembled. A moment later, the Latina turned around. She had several bruises on her face, her neck, her arms. Her right hand held the gun and it trembled just as much as the rest of her body. Tasha couldn’t see Patterson, the walls of the cell were mirrored in the inside, but still, Patterson froze when the other woman turned around, afraid that the slightest move would make Tasha pull the trigger.

Who was she kidding? Patterson still cared for Tasha. She still cared for her so much that the simple thought of losing her forever made her sick to her stomach. Sure, Patterson felt betrayed, she was hurt. She had never felt as much pain in her life as what she felt when she found out Tasha was a traitor. And she didn’t feel like this because of the FBI or their country, she felt betrayed and hurt on a personal level. By her best friend. By the only person she truly trusted and fully loved. She didn’t know what Tasha’s motives were, but she wished the Latina trusted her with them. She felt like she deserved the truth.

Patterson was hurt and angry after she discovered Tasha was hiding Borden from her, but she was willing to get over it. That was how much she loved her friend. But after finding out that Tasha’s lies were even bigger… Patterson was so heartbroken that she couldn’t even think about any of it. She had to distance herself for her own good.

But now her former best friend was in front of her with a gun in her hands and clearly thinking about ending her own life and Patterson didn’t know what to do. Reade told her that Tasha needed her, that the only person Tasha would listen to was her, but why? Why would she even listen to someone who had abandoned her? Why would she listen to someone she didn’t even entrust her secrets to? They should have called Blake Crawford. They should have called her REAL partner to save Tasha, not Patterson… She had nothing to say that Tasha would want to hear.

Suddenly Patterson saw Tasha point the gun to her throat, her hand was trembling violently and the tears rolled down her bruised face. So something inside of Patterson made her reach to her FBI card and unlock the door.

As soon as the door opened, Tasha ran to the back wall and leaned on it, pointing the gun in the direction of the door. When Patterson walked in and saw the gun pointed at her she raised her hands defensively. She could see the second Tasha realized who was coming in, because the other woman’s pupils dilated and she held her breath. Patterson did the same.

They stared at each other for a long time, the silence between them was palpable, such as the tension of the moment.

Tasha was no longer sobbing, but tears fell from her eyes relentlessly as she breathed rapidly and held the gun pointed at the other woman. Patterson took a deep breath, still with her hands raised, and took one step closer to Tasha.

“STAY AWAY FROM ME!” Tasha yelled making Patterson jump back and reach for her own gun on her waist.

But Patterson didn’t grab the gun, instead she raised her hands back where they were.

“Okay,” Patterson whispered nervously, “Okay I’ll stay where I am, see?” She said as she got as far away from Tasha as she could in the small cell.

“Okay,” Tasha answered, releasing a breath.

“Now, please, how about you put down your gun?” Patterson asked trying to sound peaceful and calm, even though all her body cells were screaming for her to just run away.

“I ca-n’t do that,” Tasha answered.

“Why not? I’m not here to hurt you,” Patterson said softly.

“I really don’t care about why you’re here, I just want you to leave. So GO! GO AWAY! I DON’T WANT YOU HERE! I DON’T WANT ANYONE HERE!” Tasha screamed and her sobbing resumed, the turmoil in her eyes broke Patterson’s heart. “GET OUT!” Tasha shouted firming her grip on the gun with her two trembling hands.

Patterson tried to distance herself more, but she already had her back to the wall. She was afraid, Tasha seemed outside of herself, she didn’t know what the other woman was capable of. But still, she wouldn’t leave. Something inside of her made her stay.

Patterson searched for Tasha’s eyes, “I’m not going anywhere, Tasha,” she said calmly.

“YES YOU WILL!” Tasha screamed as she moved the gun and pointed it to her own throat, “Leave,” she said, “You don’t wanna see what will happen here.”

“Please DON’T!” Patterson shouted unconsciously taking a step towards Tasha.

“STAY THE FUCK AWAY!”

“Okay, okay,” Patterson distanced herself again. “But please Tasha, you don’t need to do this.”

“Yes, I do.”

“No, you don’t. Think about the people who love you…” Patterson said desperately.

Tasha laughed hysterically.

“The people who love me?” She laughed again, “NO ONE LOVES ME, Patterson,” She sobbed. “I managed to fuck up every single relationship I’ve had in my life. My father didn’t even want me, my mother hated me so much she drank herself to oblivion, my brothers and the rest of my family declared me dead after I dated a girl,” Tasha laughed and took a long pause.

“The girl in question, who said to me she was my best friend for life, vanished from the face of the planet when I told her I loved her romantically. And my nona, the only one who took me in after everything went to shit… Well, she has been dead for a long time now, same as Rick.” Tasha locked her eyes with Patterson and smiled sadly, “I have no friends, no family, no job and absolutely no purpose in life. There’s nothing left for me here. Everyone’s better off without me, I only bring trouble and disappointment wherever I go.”

Patterson listened to everything without even breathing. She knew Tasha’s life story. She knew that things were never easy for her, but she had no idea that everything affected Tasha as much as it did. Anyone who had known Tasha Zapata would never guess how hurt and vulnerable she really was. Patterson saw that now. But she needed Tasha to know that the things that happened in her life weren’t her fault. She didn’t disappoint anyone. Patterson had to let her know.

“That’s not true, Tash…” she whispered and realized she was crying.

“Oh no?” Tasha asked sarcastically, moving the gun closer to her throat, “Look at me in the eye and tell me I didn’t disappoint you, Patterson. Look at me and tell me I didn’t hurt you.”

Patterson didn’t say anything. The tears rolled down her face mercilessly.

“Just get out Patterson. Get out and leave me alone,” Tasha begged.

Patterson shook her head refusingly.

“GET OUT!” Tasha shouted.

“I CAN’T DO THIS, OKAY?” Patterson shouted back and reached for the gun in her waist, taking it out of the holster and pointing it to her own throat.

She locked her eyes with Tasha’s, the Latina had a confused look on her face. Patterson took a deep breath and held Tasha’s gaze firmly.

“What the fuck Patterson?” Tasha asked.

The two women mirrored each other, Patterson’s grip was firm on her gun.

“I can’t live in a world without you in it, Tasha,” Patterson said sincerely, “So, if you pull the trigger, I’m going right after you.”

“ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?” Tasha shouted, trembling.

“No, not anymore” Patterson replied calmly. When she was sure Tasha was paying attention to her in spite of how shocked she was by her reaction, Patterson continued, “I was insane to ever think I’d be able to live without my best friend. I was insane when I thought I could carry on with my life pretending you didn’t exist. I was insane to think that you, of all people, would do anything to hurt me designedly.”

Tasha seemed puzzled, lost in her own thoughts, so Patterson took the chance to walk towards her without ever breaking eye contact or taking her hand off her gun.

Patterson reached for Tasha’s free hand with her own. Tasha was so lost she didn’t flinch, but the touch made her focus on Patterson again.

“Now I’m not insane anymore,” Patterson continued, “Now I see everything clearly… You need help, Tasha. You’re the strongest person I know, but even the strongest ones break sometimes,” she gave Tasha’s hand a little squeeze and smiled softly, “So I’m here and I won’t let you go.”

Tasha’s tears begun to fall again, Patterson’s did the same. The aimed guns never moved.

“Why are you doing this to me?” Tasha asked, releasing her hand from the other woman’s grip, “Please go away…” She pleaded.

“I’ll never leave you again,” Patterson promised.

“WHY?”

“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU OKAY?” Patterson shouted, tears streaming down her face, “I love you and I can’t just watch you go! I know everything seems fucked up right now, but I’m asking you to please, Tasha, PLEASE let me help you. Let’s fight this together.”

And suddenly Patterson hears a loud thud and sees Tasha’s gun on the floor. When she understands what’s happening she releases her gun too and immediately embraces Tasha.

Patterson’s not sure if she’s comforting Tasha or if the other woman’s comforting her, but they sob together as they hold each other impossibly closer.

Patterson won’t let her go.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked it! and in case you did, kudos and comments give me life and cost you NOTHING.
> 
> hit me up on twitter @greenpatterson :)


End file.
